When Confidence Collapses and Empathy Performs: How Leaders Fail Us in Our Most Human Moments
A Nourished Leader in Practice
When you’re laid off, it’s not just your income that disappears.
It’s your certainty.
Your sense of self.
Your confidence.
That’s what happened to a woman I recently spoke with. A brilliant, seasoned leader, twice let go from government roles—after relocating, sacrificing stability, and stepping into purpose with faith.
And yet, what hit her hardest wasn’t just the loss of the job.
It was the way the loss was delivered.
The Moment: A Masterclass in Performative Empathy
When her supervisor called to inform her she’d been terminated, he didn’t offer clarity. He didn’t hold space.
Instead, he cried.
“This is all my fault,” he said.
“I feel terrible. You wouldn’t have moved here if it wasn’t for me.”
In that moment, this woman—still processing her own shock—was forced to comfort him.
What she needed was leadership.
What she got was emotional offloading disguised as care.
And that’s what made me angry.
Performative Empathy Is Not Leadership
Let’s call it what it is.
When a leader centers their own guilt in a moment of crisis, it’s not empathy. It’s ego.
It’s an attempt to absolve themselves emotionally—while leaving the other person holding the weight.
And too often, women, people of color, and those already vulnerable become emotional caretakers in moments where they are the ones most impacted.
This isn’t empathy.
This is performance.
And it’s dangerous.
The Coaching Shift: From Collapse to Clarity
In our session, I looked her in the eye and said:
“You are not a victim. But you were victimized. That matters.”
“You don’t need to prove how grateful you are. You need space to grieve what was taken.”
“You came to me with a situation. I’m not here to coach the situation. I’m here to coach you.”
She cried.
Not because she was broken. But because someone finally let her be whole.
What a Nourished Leader Does Instead
A Nourished Leader knows that real empathy doesn’t collapse into performance.
Instead, we:
Hold our own guilt without leaking it onto others
Name the rupture without minimizing the experience
Create safety, not confusion
Respond with presence, not projection
We understand that self-doubt is often the wound left behind by a system that failed to hold us.
The Bigger Truth
This isn’t just about layoffs.
It’s about every moment where confidence collapses and someone reaches for help—and instead, gets handed someone else’s pain.
This woman’s confidence was shaken by the layoff.
But it was nearly shattered by the performative empathy that followed.
And if I sound angry, it’s because I am.
We deserve better leadership than that.
Reflection Questions for Leaders
Am I emotionally mature enough to hold space without shifting focus to my guilt or pain?
Do I know the difference between feeling bad and being present?
When someone’s confidence collapses, do I center their experience or my own discomfort?
🌱 Nourishment for the Journey
Feeling the shift? Ready to lead with more clarity, courage, and calm?
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