The Quiet No, the Sacred Yes

📝 Journal Entry | May 5, 2025

Journal Entry is a behind-the-scenes glimpse into my real-time reflections as I build The Nourished Leader. These are unfiltered notes from the journey — raw, alive, and rooted in vision. Think of this as the blueprint before the polish — the becoming before the arrival.

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There’s a part of me that still grieves the version of myself that hustled through exhaustion.

The version that made the money.
The version that performed, improvising with no warning, no prep, no net.
The version that wore the chaos like a badge of honor.
The version that, somewhere deep down, believed that being forced to wing it made her better — sharper, stronger, more deserving.

But what I also see now is how that narrative had me trapped.
How survival had become my specialty.
How being unprepared became an identity — and even a source of pride.
How I looked at people who had time, rest, support, and felt both envy and disdain, as if readiness was some luxury reserved for the soft.

And I was never allowed to be soft.

I’m realizing now…
That part of me was doing her best.
But she was also performing while depleted.
Living off adrenaline, validation, and pure grit.

And she wasn’t okay.

Because even when she managed to pull it off — it came at a price.
Her body.
Her mind.
Her joy.
Her truth.

So when I saw that message — that the project continued without me — I didn’t just feel rejected.

I felt the echo of a version of myself that I’ve outgrown.

And the quiet fear that I may never again perform at the level I once did.

But here’s the radical, liberating truth I’m now able to say out loud:

This is the better way.
Not the easier way. Not the faster way. But the better way.

Not building planes while flying.
Not chasing worth through burnout.
Not doing things before I’m ready just to prove I can survive it.

I don’t even like the word "readiness" anymore.
Because what I’m building now isn’t about being ready.
It’s about being real — grounded, prepared, and in rhythm.

My creativity lives here.
My brilliance lives here.
And my true professionalism — not the bullsh*t mask I wore to survive — lives here.

I’m not winging it anymore.
I’m becoming.

And yes, it comes at a cost.
But it’s not the cost of myself.

It’s the cost of an old identity I’ve finally outgrown.

A year from now, I may look back and weep with gratitude that I was not invited back.
Because that no created the sacred yes I’m standing in now.

I am a Nourished Leader.